vamlumatimes

As a follow up to my last venting post, I felt so sick the next day with uncontrollable coughing and feeling winded when I stood up and walked 5 steps from a chair, I went to urgent care. The doctor took a chest x-ray because he was concerned with how my lungs sounded. The x-ray turned out okay, so after a flu test and a nebulizer, he just told me it was a bad virus, and told me he'd give me a note so that I wouldn't have to work for the rest of the week (which was Thursday night and all of Friday, but that was going to be a lot of hours for me). I went back to the office quickly, and ran one other quick errand, but then I went home to rest for a few days. It was pretty great. I got a lot of cleaning and organizing done around the house over the next few days. When I went back to work on Monday, I felt relaxed and way less stressed out.  Today, Tuesday, I started to feel stressed out again, but not nearly as bad as last week. Also, I don't have to go to the airport at all this week, which always makes me feel better.

Today was Valentine's Day, which is not something I really care about. Me & Kurt were going to make fajitas (more Kurt than me, probably), but he had a terrible day at work, so he wasn't feeling up to it, so we went to Waverly's Trackside Bar & Grill. It was pretty fun. We played keno. He made a pattern of a heart on his keno sheet, then we had ice cream sandwiches. Then we went back to my place and watched King of the Hill.

He didn't win anything with his quarter games, but I won $7 with my $1 game!

venting

I've been thinking a lot about job burnout lately. I know it is something completely common in the social work field. You'd think people would figure out a way to fix it, and if someone has figured it out, they haven't told my place of work. I read somewhere that the biggest source of burnout in the social work field is having too much to do and not enough time to do it in. That describes my life for the past few weeks. And you know what makes me frustrated? I never wanted to be a social worker, and here I am, being a social worker.

This week is outrageous. I worked 12 hours today. It will likely be 12 hours tomorrow, as well. The thing that bugs me is that these are all things about which I have no choice. Everyone likes to tell us to have boundaries to keep ourselves sane and destressed, but then work puts us in a situation where if we don't do the work, we'll get in trouble. So, in essence, we don't have a choice. This week, I don't have a choice that I have to work late 2 nights, in fact, cancelling plans I had made in my personal life, plans that I had been looking forward to for a long time. Just thinking about that gets me more angry and upset. If I don't do what I have on my work calendar this week, no one else will do it, and I'll get in trouble.

They also like to tell us to communicate and ask for help when we need it. I did that this week. I voiced my concerns and I have been completely ignored. If anyone cares at all that this job is ruining my week and making me bitter and burnt out, they are not sending me an email or taking a minute to encourage me and try to work with me and see if I can get a day off next week or something like that. Instead, I got an email that said, "Hey, it won't be that bad!" But the reason the person in email said it wouldn't be that bad was because they forgot about a client, and all the hours of work I would have to be putting into that client for this week. So, there was both a lack of awareness about the demands of the week and my job, and I felt like it was an insulting attempt to placate me.

Because I've been working very hard for long hours recently (I rarely get a lunch or breaks), I feel like I am becoming my job. I like a lot of parts about my job; the diversity, teaching refugees about America, reuniting families, and so much more. But I want that to be just one part of me. I don't want to be "senior case manager". I want to be Renae. And so often lately, I am just "senior case manager". I feel like I am disappearing, and I don't know how to get me back. Even if I knew, I wouldn't have the time. And so I fade away...

My sister will be giving birth hopefully in the next day or two. Two years ago today I had a friend who died. I have a boyfriend and a social life. I was sick this past weekend, and I was not able to take the time to fully recover, and so my cough is getting worse, but I don't know when I'll have time to go to the doctor. I've postponed medical appointments several times recently because of pressure at work to complete tasks that I couldn't reschedule. Because I'm sick, I'm missing out on my training for the Lincoln Half-Marathon. All these things...I have no time to think about, no time to reflect, no time to remember, no time to be thankful, no time to heal, no time to rest...this is not how it's supposed to be. Social work is not the type of work I want to do, but I could handle it if it weren't so demanding, if it didn't cost so much. I could handle it a little better if I didn't feel like I was the sacrifice my agency was making to improve their program and reputation in the community. I think I could handle it better if they realized that they were sacrificing me.

All this...ramblings of a clearly overworked and burned out social worker. Ugh. How typical. And since I got home at 10:30, and took some time to check my Facebook and write this, I will go to bed late, and I have to get up early tomorrow and do it all over again...

.

I'm sick. I've been sick for a few days now. It's probably what one calls "the common cold". My nose is majorly stuffed and runny, I have a dry cough, and my ears are crackly. Last night, I searched "sinus pressure points" online, and I found this massage you can do that is supposed to open up your sinuses, so I tried it, and it really helped! After I do the sinus massage, a ton of snot drains out and I feel much better (TMI? sorry). Everyone should try it.

This past week was a very stressful and exhausting week at work. I had a late night airport arrival, which I dislike doing. There was cultural orientation, which always takes a lot of energy. We had a site visit and were audited, which was also stressful and draining. It was a very successful audit and meant a lot to our program, as it was the first one since the big meltdown. The recommendations were minor compared to previous audits, so it has been deemed a success by most everyone. I consider a professional success that things went so well, too. It's a good feeling, I guess, which I'm still not quite used to having in relation to my job.

We're still waiting for the arrival of my niece. I'm excited to see pictures and I'm even more excited to visit at the end of this month!

I just finished reading a blog written by a young woman who lives and works in East Africa, interviewing and processing refugees in the refugee camps (she's the front end of refugee resettlement, and I'm the back end of refugee resettlement). I really enjoyed reading her blog and hearing the foreign and fun tidbits about her life overseas. I remember my days living overseas. I wrote in my blog almost every day. It was an adventure. It was hard. I have no illusions about what it's like to live overseas, and I don't often long to do it again, even after reading that blog. I do think that I'd like to live overseas again someday, but I don't know under what circumstances I would be willing to do it.

Plus, who needs to live abroad when your job makes you feel like you live abroad sometimes? Today I visited with a refugee client of our that was resettled in July. Sure the home was "American-like" in its construction, but they all sat on the floor, and they had one bedroom with a stripped bed, and another room where they all actually sleep (on the floor). So I see plenty of foreign things here. And there's plenty of awkward moments where you can't communicate well, or you don't know if the other person speaks English or not, so you just say a few works and hope they respond.

The job has been continuously improving the past month. I did not blog during the many months of nightmarish existence that work put upon me, and parts of me is glad I did not document it. Yes, I do like to write about stuff in my life so I can remember it better years down the line, but I just don't think that was the case July to early October.

Thanksgiving was nice around here. I had a few low key, relaxing days, bopping around town with Kurt and friends, and hanging around my apartment. The stomach flu interrupted those lovely days of bopping around. Early Saturday morning. I was awoken at about 3am that morning feeling sick, and went back and forth between toilet, bathroom floor, and bed, until it culminated into me retching at 5:30. Heavens, I hate doing that. Kurt says I have a phobia. I slowly felt better after that, and was back on my feet and eating fast food on Sunday.

I look forward to going to Michigan for the weekend before Christmas. I look forward to Kurt starting his job. I look forward to things now. It's nice.

wine & cheese under the blankets

I know it's small, but I am very proud of myself for waking up early every morning this week. I'm enjoying the unhurried time I now have to get ready for work. Although, some mornings when I go to the gym, I run short on time, but it's okay.

This week at work was more of an improvement. We are currently closing out the last cases, and hope that more will be coming soon. We have arrival dates for about 21 people, and flight numbers into Omaha for 5, but our VOLAGs still seem very unsure about whether or not to send us new cases. Supposedly, they're going to tell us on Monday, then we will have 6 working days to set up 2 apartments and prepare for 11 people. Yikes. I got pretty frustrated in the staff meeting yesterday (we all did), because they are keeping us in this nasty state of limbo. If the VOLAGs decide to cancel the travel for those 21 people, I don't want to be the one to call them and tell them their dads, moms and brothers aren't coming to Omaha anymore. I don't want to be the one to call them and say they've been transferred to Georgia or Tennessee or something. What a nightmare.

I'm looking forward to tonight because I am hosting a "wine & cheese under the blankets" party. This means we will build a giant blanket fort and drink wine and eat cheese inside it. I think it will be a good, old-fashioned time. I'm glad that everyone is coming to me this time!

the joslyn and the weekend

I actually woke up early every day last week, except Friday. On Friday, my alarm simply did not go off. I woke up on my own at 7:41, which isn't too late for a Friday.

Saturday was pretty fun. Kurt, Tyne and I went to the Joslyn Art Museum in Omaha. There was no admission fee, and we enjoyed wandering around looking at art. We decided to have an abstract expressionist art party. After that, I had a meeting for work with the leaders of the Karen community to try to repair some of the damage from the past few months. That went well. Then me and my friends went to this mexican restaurant in Midtown Crossings (can't remember the name). They made guacamole at your table, and all the food was incredibly fresh and delicious. Saturday night, Kurt and I played some games with Tom and Tyne. It was a very nice day.

Sunday was pretty relaxing. We went to church at First Plymouth, then got some groceries from the Asian store, the Arabic store, and Super Saver. We made crab rangoons and stir fry for lunch. We did the cross-work puzzle. I was half-asleep for part of it, but I was still discovering answers while half-asleep. I eventually did sleep for an hour, and after that I ran 3 miles. We watched a lot of TV. Like I said, a relaxing day. Next week Sunday, I think we're going to go to the Mennonite church in town. We're curious.

morning

Another long gap between posts....

Things have improved significantly at work. Looking back, it has been one of the toughest things I have have had to go through. Mostly because I was treated so poorly and disrespected, and the stress piled up on me so that I could not function properly outside of work. I'm so glad that is done.

I like going to work again, and since that stress is over, my whole life feels a lot lighter. I'm back to how I used to be and it's a relief. Things feel significantly different at work, and I'm finding that I am looking for changes in other parts of my life, as well. I have always kinda liked change. My thing this week has been waking up early. I' typically have been leaving for work at 8am, which means I wake up at 7:30 or 7:45am. This week I've been up at or before 7am. I've been up twice in the 6am hour! It's insane! I try to leave for work a little earlier, too. I decided that I wanted to try to make myself a morning person. It's a small change that sounds like a fun thing to try. I have enjoyed booting up my computer in the morning and playing music while I get ready. I've done some stretching. One day I ran 3 miles at the gym. Actually, most mornings I'd like to go to the gym, the prepare myself for the half-marathon training I will start in February (for the Lincoln Half-Marathon in early May).